I started this website at the beginning of this year but I just couldn’t get started on the writing. I was more worried about writing the perfect first post than just focusing on writing about why I started this. I just hope these entries reach out to the people who need it most. The idea behind why I wanted to start this blog-site was to write about my mental health struggles and my journey to finding peace and serenity within myself.
I was friends with someone for 13 years before it ended. It ended because she didn’t like me anymore. She didn’t like that her friendship with her then best friend- my current significant other- was changing. What’s funny is that we both made sure she was okay with us dating before we even started. She expressed her excitement and thrill for us and we took it as reassurance. Over time, though, my partner and I were growing closer and closer. This meant that we were only communicating with each other about our relationship from good to bad. We were no longer confiding in her because we noticed she would just compare me to her ex the entire conversation giving my partner anxiety about where our relationship was headed. With her filling his head about how much I was just like her ex and how I could never be any different was only pushing us apart. She would invite me over to her place just to have an intervention with me about how I was unhealthy, toxic, insecure, and didn’t understand my own partner. She wasn’t seeing that we were in the beginning of our dating phase and still getting to know each other.
My partner and I had got into a few arguments because of her that I was finally fed up and wanted to break up. I told him I refused to continue being with someone who couldn’t communicate with me his thoughts and feelings about me- TO ME. I told him I no longer wanted to fight with him about his so-called best friend whom, by the way, was my best friend for much longer, filling his head with comparisons of me to her ex. The ex she always called a “deadbeat crackhead”. The same ex she claimed physically, emotionally, and verbally abused. The same ex which all of their mutual friends had verified that it was actually her who was the abusive one as she fought with him in front of friends and families at parties and gatherings. I told him I would rather be single than to deal with the bullshit. I was hurt. I just felt like by going to her, he wasn’t giving me the opportunity show him who I was. By going to her, he wasn’t really doing anything to work things out with me. She wasn’t giving him any good advices that he could use. He just thought that by talking to me we would only fight more. He was influenced by her because she was the closest person to me and he thought she knew me best. Hell, even I thought she knew me best, but she didn’t. She really didn’t. If her partner had came to me for advice, I would have told him that the best way to eliminate misunderstandings and avoid jumping to conclusions would be to talk to her. Just like my other best friend, Josh, had told me the first and last time I ever asked for relationship advice.
My partner couldn’t fathom the idea of breaking up just like that. He made the decision himself that future concerns with me would be talked out with me. I remember telling him, “Okay, just know I don’t expect you to change anything about your friendship with her other than not confiding in her about our relationship. We need to work things out together when it comes to us. Turning to others for advice has never helped, just worsened things as we’ve seen.” To that, he agreed. We both stopped confiding in her about our relationship problems. She didn’t care that I was no longer talking about my relationship but she was mad that he did. She was upset that he wasn’t telling her about if and when we had a disagreement. Oh man, she HATED that. Nothing else in their friendship changed except for that. And she was livid. She held it against me, not him, for years until we stopped being friends. He made the choice because he saw that I wasn’t putting up with it anymore. It was my right, too. I was setting boundaries for myself and if it meant ending things with him to save myself the heartache then I was doing right by me. I just foresaw a future of constant misunderstanding, he says/she says, bullshit assumptions drastically deteriorating the relationship and I didn’t want it. I had the opportunity to end things while we were still early in the dating scene and he didn’t like the idea. He didn’t like the idea of losing me.
I have been burnt and broken emotionally and mentally from relationships more than I could handle. I wasn’t about to go through it again. At the time, I just didn’t want to believe that she wasn’t acting like my friend anymore. 11 years (at the time) of friendship down the toilet drain that she flushed. I was seeing that she preferred his friendship over mine but I just didn’t want to believe it.
I can’t keep writing.
Gotta go.
It Is what It Is 